The Bird I Live With
by wwwwwww
Summary: Naruto is forced to take care of a bird to prove that he's responsible. But what happens when you give a pet to a kid who can barely take care of himself? -Oneshot-


Written after consuming massive amounts of Valentine's Day candy. From my parents.

---

"Say something."

"…"

"Say _anything._"

"…"

"Sigh. Congrats, you've just won the prize for being the most boring animal ever!"

Naruto was bitter. And it wasn't because Sakura decided to drug his ramen with salt and vinegar that morning, oh no. All of the sensei had gotten together to converse about their students. How skilled they had become, how youthful they were, who liked who; typical Konoha sensei conversation. While discussing the latest shinobi gossip, they strayed onto the topic of discipline and responsibility.

At the sensei gossip table… 

"I agree wholeheartedly," Asuma smoked his crackpipe and nodded sagely. "My students are quite lazy as well."

Kurenai folded her hands under her chin and looked over at the gray-haired man beside her. "I'm still not sure if this is a good idea. I mean, some of these children have a hard enough time taking care of _themselves_. Giving them a pet is like lighting the match for a bomb!"

"YES, but think of all the GOOD it will bring!" Gai forcefully slammed a fist against his chest. Ouch. "Oh, the RESPONSIBILITY…! I'm sure Lee can handle whatever we throw at him! After all! They have the power of—"

"Youth. Exactly." Kakashi exclaimed, flipping the page of his book with his thumb. He hadn't really been paying much attention, even though the whole thing had been his idea in the first place. "If these children plan to be full-fledged ninja, they're going to have to learn responsibility. And the value of another life."

"But to give them a PET—"

"I know you may think this is drastic, Kurenai, but think of the outcome." Kakashi closed his eyes and tried to reason.

Kurenai crossed her arms and glared at Asuma. "Oh, I am. The image of Shikamaru lying comatose on the couch with a fish swimming belly-up keeps playing in my mind."

Asuma shrugged and emitted a noise that sounded like a disgruntled bear. All of a sudden, Iruka busted through the door.

"Stop! I can't let you do this! A pet is a huge responsibility!" Iruka cried. "These kids are _Konoha_ ninja! Which means they're all going to be corrupt somewhere down the line! Why anger them with a pet?"

"Iruka, they're not your students anymore. How many times do we have to tell you?" Kakashi sighed.

"Yes, but—"

"Let it go."

"But I—"

"Just… let it go."

Iruka sneered and made his way out the door. "Fine! But when these children start going crazy and setting the village on fire, DON'T COME CRYING TO ME!"

**SLAM!**

Kakashi sighed and looked upwards. "So. What animal shall we give them?"

"CAT!"

"APE!"

"FERRET!"

"HAMSTER!"

"SEA MONKEYS!"

"FLYING SQUIRREL!"

Kakashi sighed again. What a day. "How about…"

Back to Naruto's humble abode… 

"A BIRD!" Naruto yelled and grabbed at his hair. "A _freaking_ BIRD! Man, whatever happened to cats and dogs?"

The angry blond began to pace back and forth exasperatingly, as a brightly colored confused bird looked on. "Oh, but I'm sure Kiba's doing just fine! He's had that dog since forever! And he probably has the money to pay for this thing too!"

Naruto sat down on a wooden chair and put his head in his hands. He ran his hands through his messy hair stressfully. "How am I gonna keep this thing alive? I'm bordering poverty as is…"

The bird rustled. He glared up at it slowly. "Oh, please, speak your mind."

_Rustle, rustle, scratch_

Naruto lowered his eyes. "Yeah, I thought so. You're just gonna sit there in your fancy golden cage while I try to find a way to take care of both of us. Kakashi-sensei, how could you do this to me…?"

The bird glared at a worried Naruto and blinked. "Squaaw?"

"Oh, you make noise, do you?" Naruto began to stand up. "Well, 'squaaw' to you too. … I guess you need a name, don't you?"

"SQUAAAAW!"

Naruto cringed. "Would you keep it down? You want the whole village to come and break the door down? I just got it fixed from the LAST time!"

"SQUAAAAW!"

"… And you don't care one bit, do you?"

"SQUAAAAW!"

"No, you don't." Naruto bit his thumb. He walked over to the bird, slammed his hands on the table, and scowled. "Look, you don't seem to really get this situation we're in, here. What part of 'poor destitute child' do you not understand?"

"SQUAAAAW!"

"Well, at least you clarified that for me." Naruto replied sharply. "I'm glad we had this talk."

The blond ninja walked away before the bird could 'squaaw' at him again. He had a headache the size of Konoha's own rendition of Mt. Rushmore and decided to stumble into the kitchen. He was going to check his food supply, also hoping to confirm that the neither he nor the bird would collapse within a week. If the bird died, Naruto was as good as dead. He needed to prove that he could take care of another life alongside his own.

He grumbled to himself. That look Sasuke had on his face when Naruto got the bird was sheer torment. The entire incident replayed in his mind like a bad song he couldn't get rid of.

_Oh man. Don't tell me it's…_ Naruto thought to himself in panic as he ran to the calendar, his face two inches away from it. _… It is. The end of the week. Okay. PLEASE don't tell me I was hog this week and ate everything._ Naruto immediately dashed to the cupboards, throwing each one open right after the other.

**SLAM! SLAM! SLAM!**

Naruto collapsed into a ball on the floor. He glared up at all the open wooden cupboards; all were empty. _Oh dear Lord. Okay. Nothing to panic about. Maybe I didn't totally spend my money on that Meow Mix alarm clock on Tuesday._ He dashed over to his frog purse. He turned it upside down, smacked it furiously, and pulled out the lining. He froze, set the frog down, and sobbed on the floor.

"I am so… SO screwed."

"SQUAAAAW!"

Naruto slammed his palms on the ground, stood up, and began to stomp out of the kitchen. "Hey, you know what? I'm glad you find this so funny. Because I don't. And at the end of the week, we'll both be pushing up daisies. I'm glad you find this so amusing. I am not happy. I would go as far as to say completely PO'ed. But you don't care. Know why? Because you're a BIRD! A large, colorful, pea-brained BIRD!"

"Squaa?"

"Yeah, 'squaa'. You got it."

The whisker-faced teen crossed his arms over his chest and tried to figure out what to do next. All of a sudden, a sharp, raspy cry interrupted his thoughts.

"MONEY!"

Naruto snapped out it and looked around rapidly. "WHERE?"

No one was there. He raised an eyebrow and peered into the kitchen. Nothing. He glared back into the living room, but as before, nothing. Wrinkling his nose in curiosity, Naruto wandered slowly over to a chair. He tried to lift it, but it spontaneously broke into pieces.

"Stupid junkyard faulty piece of crap."

So he proceeded to grab a dismembered chair leg and held it firmly. Naruto tiptoed over towards the entryway in the kitchen and looked around. He walked slowly towards his room. His palms began to sweat and he readjusted the chair leg in his hands. He stopped once he reached his room's entryway.

"If someone's in there… If you don't come out right now, I SWEAR I'll hit you with this," Naruto replied, shaking the chair leg. "I swear I will. I know ten different ways to kill you with my little finger alone. So… So get outta my house!"

No reply.

Naruto sighed. "Okay, then…"

He peered inside. It was just how he had left it that morning: completely devoid of any organization whatsoever. His blue eyes shifted from side to side as he studied the room silently. Yep, it was pretty lonely in there. Naruto left the room's entryway slowly, lowering the chair leg. He sighed and scratched his head as he walked back into the main room.

"I must be crazier than I thought…" Naruto replied quietly. "Now I'm hearing voices. Not only will I get beat for letting the bird die, they'll put me in the crazy house. I have a bright, bright future."

"CRAZY HOUSE! CRAZY HOUSE! SQUAAAAW!"

Naruto's head snapped upwards. He pointed at the bird in disbelief, and then walked over to the cage. He stood in front of the bird and replied flatly, "What?"

"CRAZY KID! SQUAAAAW!"

"YOU!" Naruto pointed at the bird demonically. "You're a… a…"

"TIME TO MAKE SOME CRAAAZAY MONEY! SQUAAAAW!"

Naruto's jaw dropped open as he glared at the bird. "What. The. Hell. You are… completely possessed…"

"I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I? SQUAAAAW!"

Naruto threw the chair leg into the kitchen and pouted. "I have nothing to say to you, bird."

"SQUAAAA?"

"You were playing dumb this whole time, weren't you?" Naruto yelled. "How dare you! You oughta be ashamed of yourself."

"SQUAAAA!"

"_Ohoho,_ no. Don't try and apologize." Naruto ran a hand through his hair quickly. "I've seen kinds like you all over the place. Liar. _Deceiver_."

Naruto stormed off into the kitchen, hoping he'd find a lonely ramen cup somewhere to calm his startled nerves. Maybe he missed a cupboard. Maybe he wasn't really out of everything. How did this happen? Oh, right. The Meow Mix clock.

Naruto kicked a piece of his broken chair. "Stupid QVC! Those evil money-suckers."

He searched again, but found nothing. He searched for a third time, and still found nothing. Naruto was now completely convinced that there were no supplies to be found where he currently resided.

"Unbelievable." Naruto rubbed the back of his neck. He had begun to sweat. He scratched at his arm furiously, realizing he had begun to itch from stress. He looked at his now bright red arm. "Crap."

"CRAP! SQUAAAAW!"

"Shut up!" Naruto wandered back into the room. "This is COMPLETELY your fault, you know."

"ALL YOUR FAULT! SQUAAAAW!"

Naruto gritted his teeth and pointed accusingly at the bird. "Hey! You wanna switch places, bird? Huh? Do you? You think this is all a big game?"

"BIG GAME! BIG GAME! SQUAAAAW!"

The blond felt his hair bristle at the bird's remarks. "I need a shower."

He proceeded to take off his t-shirt. The bird whistled at him. "WHOOHOO!"

"SHUT UP!" Naruto shrieked, threw the shirt on top of the cage, and stormed out of the room. "You evil scum-licking spawn of hades!"

"SPAWN OF HADES! SQUAAAAW!"

A few minutes later, Naruto had managed to get in the shower. He turned the knob halfway in the hot water direction and began to put soap in his hair. "Stupid bird. Kakashi-sensei had no freaking clue what he was doing when he assigned this. A TALKING bird? Come on! How on crack do you have to be to come up with that? That thing has about as much brains as I have in my right elbow… What the?"

The water was reduced to a small trickle, and then completely vanished.

Naruto spun around and began to slam his fist on the spout. "Hey! HEY! What are you…! Aw, come on! … SONOFA $&# #$! &#$#!"

"$&# #$! &#$#! SQUAAAAW!" the bird screeched just as Naruto ran into the room, hair full of soap and a towel around his waist.

"Bird, you better _pray_ that my water just didn't get shut off or I'm gonna be in a reeeeally bad mood." Naruto threatened. He ran into the kitchen.

He grabbed the knob on the faucet and turned it. No water came out. Naruto bit his lip in a failed attempt to try not to scream.

"RAGE!" yelled Naruto as he ran to the small fridge. He grabbed a small bottle of chilled water he had been saving for emergencies such as these.

After running back to the sink, he stuck his head above it and dumped the water bottle on his head. It was as cold as cold could be and sent a tingle down his spine. He snapped his head upwards, his hair flying backwards and spraying water everywhere. He froze, wrinkled his nose, and threw the bottle into the trashcan. He ran back into the main room.

"I… am THIS close…" Naruto stood bravely before the bird, towel and all. "… To COMPLETELY losing it."

"SNAP LIKE A TWIG! SQUAAAAW!"

"I didn't even SAY that!" Naruto screamed. "AND DON'T CALL ME A TWIG!"

The frustrated blond adjusted his towel ran off to find his discarded pants. After finding them lying on the floor, he went in search of his t-shirt. He ran back to the bird, only to find…

"MY SHIRT!" Naruto screamed as he ran over to the cage. "What are you doing!"

Naruto played a brief game of Tug of War with the bird before he finally got his shirt back. It was covered in holes and ripped nearly to shreds.

"You… You just… GAH!"

A few minutes later… 

Naruto sat on his couch in a ripped, bird-attacked shirt, pouting. "Yeah, you better enjoy that bag of peanuts, bird. That was all I had left in this place. But if you die, that's it for me. I'm done."

As he watched the bird devour the peanuts, Naruto's stomach persistently reminded him of how hungry he was. Scowling at the bird in tremendous displeasure, he got up from the couch and walked over to the cage.

"You know…" Naruto leaned against the table and glared at the bird. "Sharing is not a city in Iowa."

The bird continued eating the peanuts.

"You don't need all of those."

The bird kicked the bag a bit.

"You're not that big of a bird."

Naruto's stomach complained noisily again. The bird didn't care.

"Okay bird, gimme the damn peanuts." Naruto demanded and held out his hand, as if the bird was just going to give them to him. "Now."

The bird ate another peanut. Naruto began to desperately reach into the cage, trying to squeeze his fingers between the bars. The bird lunged for his fingers.

"Hey! You better watch it," Naruto replied angrily. "I gave you those peanuts, I can take'em back."

"CHEAPSKATE! SQUAAAAW!"

Naruto crossed his arms. "Who the heck taught you those words? And how did I end up with you?"

The bird continued to devour the peanuts. Naruto sighed. He just couldn't win. How could everyone expect him to take care of a bird when he could barely take care of himself? Nothing about the whole situation seemed fair.

"You're lucky you're gone in a few days, bird." Naruto replied through clenched teeth.

A few days later… 

"There he is!"

An angry feminine voice cried from the dirt path in the middle of the field. Naruto staggered down the path, a bent and twisted golden cage in his weary hands.

Sasuke shook his head slowly as Kakashi was leaning against a post, reading. Sakura tapped her foot impatiently. There were two cages in front of them and each one had a blanket over it.

Naruto limped towards his team. He held out the cage and replied breathlessly, "Here's the bird… Take it… Just take it away…"

"Well well," Kakashi snapped his book shut and examined the cage. "Hm… Interesting renovation…"

"Nice going, idiot." Sasuke replied, glaring at the stunned bird attempting to clean itself.

Sakura threw up her hands. "What did you do, Naruto? It was a bird! It shouldn't have been that hard!"

"Oh, you'd think so, wouldn't you, Sakura-chan?" Naruto placed a hand on his chest and breathed heavily. "That'd be true, 'cept for the fact that they gave me the TALKING ONE!"

"Really?" Sakura gasped in amazement and clasped her hands together. She peered into the cage. "Can you really talk? Say 'pretty bird'! Come on, pretty bird…"

"$&# #$! &#$#! SQUAAAAW!"

Sakura froze. Sasuke's eyes widened as he shifted his weight to the other foot. Kakashi chuckled.

"I-I didn't teach him that."

"Naruto!" Sakura shrieked. "I can't believe you said that around that bird! Have some self-control!"

Naruto gestured in frustration and yelled, "Are you people aware that I haven't eaten—or SLEPT—in days?"

"What does that have to do with the poor abused bird?" Sakura replied, snatching the cage away.

"WHAT?" Naruto screamed. "Sakura-chan… You like the bird more than me?"

Sakura set the cage down. "Yes. Yes I do."

"But…!"

"C'mon, Sasuke-kun. Let's go return the birds." Sakura replied, picking up hers and Naruto's birds and walking down the path. Kakashi walked ahead as Sasuke looked at Naruto.

He shook his head and tossed him a coin before walking down the path. "Here. Buy something nice."

Naruto glared at the coin in his hands with bloodshot eyes. He threw it on the ground. "I DON'T NEED YOUR PITY SASUKE! I AM A MAN!"

Naruto looked around quickly. He snatched the coin off of the ground and shoved it in his pockets before taking off down the dirt path. Now all he had to do now was come up with an excuse for the bird's real owner. And that would be harder than the entire week itself.


End file.
